randomness.

i haven't posted on here in a while.
i think it's because i find the need to throw random emotions into my words and call it something.
anything.
and that makes no sense at all, so let's move on.

i just need to go home.
it's all i can think about, all i want, to the point of considering not doing my exams.
i miss everything.



i fought with my mom today.
she doesn't understand how it feels to be miles away and still have responsibilities to the people i left behind.

i hate it.

almonds.

tonight i saw a play about melancholy.
it was strange, but there was a line that caught me.

"we seem as as far apart as the space between stars."

they say that melancholy tastes of bitter almonds.

hello, again.

wow.
i have been neglecting this like nothing else.
i suppose i should make a conscious effort to write at least once a day. which is a conscious effort i make approx. every week. oh well.

first order of business: i got a new camera!!!!
it's a canon rebel xt, and i love it! it's all shiny with a zoom lens and strap and leather bag.
though it does come with some fears. this photography class is my favorite one, and while the teacher scares me to death, i adore her and respect her as a professor. but for our previous assignments, when they all came out blurry or full of noise or not sharp enough, i blamed my camera. but now, i have a good one--was the problem really my camera, or am i a terrible photographer? i look at other peoples' pictures and feel incredibly inadequate. i have studied all of the technical stuff and got an A- on my midterm, something i'm proud of. but will it be enough?

i spent the day listening to so much music.
currently addicted to last.fm. username is taylorrness, if anyone wants to add me on there.

song i can't get enough of: polaris - jimmy eat world.

good night.

pink bullets.

i've loved this song for a long, long time.
the line "the years have been short, but the days were long" always meant something right around graduation time, both for middle school and high school. (the fact that i listened to the shins in eighth grade still boggles my mind.)
so. lyrics.

-----

I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
You held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
Oh what a contrast you were
To the brutes in the halls
My timid young fingers held a decent animal.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days were long.

Cool of a temperate breeze from dark skies to wet grass
We fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed
When our kite lines first crossed
We tied them into knots
And to finally fly apart
We had to cut them off.

Since then it's been a book you read in reverse
So you understand less as the pages turn
Or a movie so crass
And awkardly cast
That even I could be the star.

I don't look back as much as a rule
And all this way before murder was cool
But your memory is here and I'd like it to stay
Warm light on a winter day.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days go slowly by
Two loose kites falling from the sky
Drawn to the ground and an end to flight.

coming up short.

i told myself i was going to write here every day.
and clearly i fail at this.

i procrastinate far too much. big exam due on friday, with a two to three page essay as well, and i really need to be doing it. right now. but instead i am congratulating myself for doing well on my exam today by watching one tree hill. lots and lots of one tree hill. because what's better for a "i rock" party than a large amount of nathan scott?
nothing, i tell you. nothing at all.

so on that note, i'll say "hello" to all my new followers (love you, jm.org-ers!) and to my old ones too.
i wish you all a wonderful night.

you're the reason why.

there's a reason i deleted you off my facebook in the first place.
it's because i hated logging on and seeing your status updates, your silly posts on other people's walls, your photos from weekend adventures.
but then you had to notice i was gone.
too soon.
you had to fight for me back, even when i didn't want you to.
then, when i finally responded to all of it, you had to be sweet.
right before i left.
just as you started dating her. finally.
so i added you back.
and we've said nothing since.

i'm not supposed to still be thinking of you.
i'm supposed to be off in my big city, far away from you, moving on.
across the country.

but i still hate seeing your status updates.


reason why - rachael yamagata.

why i am not a poet.

a poem by e.e. cummings i stumbled upon tonight.
i adore him, and love this.


somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands